Moving on from the Guy that Didn't Work Out

Dashed hopes are painful - whether you were dating the guy or just hoping to date him, whether he expressed interest or just left you thinking he was interested, "hope deferred makes the heart sick." (Proverbs 13:12) I've been in the situation many times and here are the things that I have found to be most helpful in moving on from the guy that didn't work out:

1. Fill the time you used to spend with him (or thinking about him), with other things.

   When my engagement was broken off, the time and mental space I had given to that man, to planning our wedding, to planning and dreaming of our future, left a huge gaping void in my soul that needed to be filled with something. I ended up taking some classes to learn more about nutrition - something I had always had an interest in but never really pursued. And it set the course for my career! So girl, this is a great time to find a new hobby or activity, start a new business, read a spiritually enriching book, or join a new ministry.

2. Don't keep texting him or following him on social media.

   Sister, as tempting as it may be to keep him in your life, if you know he's not the one God has for you, then you need to create distance. If you're struggling to move on from him, then it's wise to cut all contact, including social media. If you're constantly seeing notifications and things that remind you of him, you won't be free to heal and move on.

3. Remove yourself from his sphere for a while.

   One of my friends had a crush on a guy at her church for two years. They worked in the same ministry together, and he would talk to her a lot and would text her often, making jokes and being playful. She would plan game nights and events just so she could invite him and be around him, and he would always come and give her attention. Whether he was meaning to or not, he was leading her on. He never made a real move to make her his girlfriend, and yet the constant attention he gave her played with her emotions. Eventually she realized she had to stop being around him in order to be able to move on from him. This meant taking a break from the ministry they served in together, asking him to stop texting her, avoiding one-on-one conversations with him at church, and throwing smaller game nights that only the girls were invited to. You may have to do the same to give your heart time to heal.

4. Get in contact with an older, godly woman who can disciple you through this.

   After my heartbreak, I had a lot of therapeutic talks with my mom. She gave me words and advice that I didn't always want to hear, but that I needed. She reminded me that he was not the last man on earth. She encouraged me to get out of the house, put myself together, and try new things, when all I wanted to do was rot on the couch. She cried with me and grieved with me and hoped with me and pointed me back to Jesus. Don't suffer alone, don't try to stuff and hide everything in isolation. Bring your hurts and struggles to the light with a godly older woman who can walk with you and encourage you.

5. Carve out extra time in your life to talk to Jesus.

   One of the blessings of my break up was that it propelled me into the arms of Jesus. I knew He was the Comforter, the Healer of Hearts, the Help and Hope that I needed, and I sought Him with my whole heart. I replaced the time that I would have spent talking to (or just daydreaming about!) my fiance, with time in God's presence: reading the Psalms, crying with God, pouring out my heart before Him, and praying. In His presence, I found healing. "He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds..." Psalm 147:3

6. Find the lesson you learned through it.

   There is something to be learned in everything we experience in life, but especially in a break up or a messy situationship. What did you learn about yourself through the experience? What did you learn about God? What did you learn about what you're looking for in the right guy? What did you learn about healthy men and women and how they act? In what ways might Satan try to use this situation to damage your view of God, or of Christian men, or of yourself? Now is a time to be vigilant of the thoughts of your heart, compare them with scripture, and draw a lesson you can take from the experience to help you later in life and to help someone else in the future. Take time to sit with these questions and journal and pray over your findings.

7. Realize he was not God's will for you and thank the Lord for His continued leading.

   As hard as it is, you've got to trust that this is truly for the best, sister. God works the heartbreak for good. He protects His children, even when it hurts. And He allows us to walk through some confusing and even painful scenarios in order that we might grow in our faith. If you've ever started seedlings for a garden indoors, then you know the importance of helping the little stems get strengthened before they are transplanted in the harsh outdoors. Without wind and rain, the roots don't have a chance to grow strong. So it is with your faith, my friend. Without a little wind, you'll never be forced to dig down deep into God's Word and find Him to be all that He said He would be. So, thank Him for this opportunity to grow closer to Him and for His leading in your life!