Freedom from Porn & Discontment: Angela's Story

Please enjoy this guest post from my friend Angela:

I grew up my whole life desiring marriage. I loved kids, and I loved the idea of a family, but for me, the desire for marriage was always focused on having a husband who loved me and who I could love. The first crush I actively remember having was when I was around 6 years old, and I marked my life by who I had a crush on for years afterwards. When I was 9 years old, I believed in Jesus Christ and He had mercy on me and saved me from my sins, and He began slowly working on me. 

When I was around eleven years old, I accidentally stumbled upon pornography. That further harmed my desire for marriage, and I struggled for years with lust and a corrupted perspective on what marriage and intimacy would mean. As someone whose natural love language is physical affection, this was especially tempting and damaging. After several years of struggling in this area, one night, after my father talking to me about his desire to protect me in order to keep me pure for my husband, clueless of the sin I had committed and become so addicted to, I ran to the bathroom, buried my face in a towel, and cried harder than I ever had in my life. I couldn’t feel anything but a crushing weight of guilt, and I couldn’t think anything but one name:

“Jesus.” 

I cried it out, over and over, and from that day on, He completely healed me from that sin and freed me from the temptation to it. He has continued to work in my heart to dig up those old thought patterns, lusts, and corrupted ideas, and now I am a new creature in Christ. I never thought I’d be free of my feelings of guilt, but Christ has been gracious to me in confirming His forgiveness in causing many people to tell me, “If I had to describe you in one word, it would be this: pure.” I now live without fear, knowing that my sins, dark as scarlet, have become white as snow, as far from me as the east is from the west. 

I grew up in a huge and very loving family, but I gave into emotions of being lonely. An especially painful situation in our church where I lost many friends and the guy I had liked for years broke a promise he’d made to our church and ended up leaving on less-than-ideal terms, I fell into a pattern of self pity, complaining often about my lack of relationship, even though I was only around sixteen. However, through that time, the Lord was really growing me in my relationship with Him. He began to make me see the fullness that was in loving Him, more than in loving guys. However, there was still a lot of longing to be married and a feeling that I was destined to be sad in some way as long as I was unmarried.

I had followed several accounts about being a single young woman on Instagram, and I saw a video of a woman with a soft accent, put together and beautiful, absolutely joyfully, glowingly talking about the joy of singleness for Christ. As she spoke, I felt something in my heart change, and I began desiring to have what she had. She still desired marriage, but her life was full and overflowing, abundant with the joy of the Lord whose banner over her is “Love.” I began seeing that there was more to be had in Christ than just “contentment” in singleness - there was breathtaking, life-altering JOY to be had, free for the taking! So I sought the Lord as I never had before, seeing Him now as more than simply a help in finding contentment. During this time, I continued to desire marriage and have an interest in godly guys around me, but it was in a different way. I didn’t want to get married unless it moved me closer to the Lord and His purpose and use for me. 

At my church, there were no other young women my age, however, there were about 15 girls a few years younger than me. For a long time I had indulged in self pity, wishing for a friend my own age, but through my realization that I wanted to serve the Lord and pour myself out through others, I came to realize that THESE were the people God had called me to love! I began intentionally pouring into them, writing them letters each week, praying for a specific girl each week, making time to talk to each one as she struggled to find her footing as a young woman of the Lord, encouraging, exhorting, and loving these - and I found my best friends, who had been right under my nose the whole time! And as I poured myself out for them, truly, by God’s grace, expecting nothing in return, they began to pour out on me the sweetest love, encouragement, and friendship. I, once self-pitying and lonely, was given a life filled with so much love and joy I was overwhelmed by God’s goodness. 

And that is how I found myself, 18 years old, shocked as I realized I had prayed out loud - “Lord, if you would let me be single for just a little while longer, that I can serve You with it, and maybe, Lord, if you’d let me be single my whole life.”  I completely didn’t recognize that kind of surrender and joy and PURPOSE at the thought of singleness - and I realized how far God had brought me, and how much I wanted all single girls and women to realize what a life is available to us! Not just contentment, but joy and purpose and abundance, all in Christ! 

Now, about a year after that, a young man has been courting/dating me for several months and the Lord has blessed me beyond measure in this relationship. It has stretched me in a different way than singleness did. However, I do not feel more loved or more fulfilled or more purposeful than I did before - it is simply a DIFFERENT love and fulfillment and purpose, and interestingly, I have had some feelings of sadness or nostalgia knowing that I am leaving behind that singleness. As I looked at the birthday gifts given to me by my boyfriend, and the seemingly countless heartfelt notes written by my church girls, I realized that I have known love my whole life, especially these last few years. I am not experiencing more/deeper/truer love now - God is simply using yet another vessel, another person, to pour out His love on me. The Lord may be calling me to something else, and I am willing to answer that calling, knowing He will guide me to where I can best be used for His service, and joyful in the Lord who sees and knows the desires of our hearts, and gives better than all we can ask, think, or imagine, when we set our minds and hearts on Him. 

A few things that helped me:

Realizing I was made to work, and as long as I was just sitting around hoping a guy would like me, I would feel unfulfilled because I wasn’t working in the service of the King!

“Seek and you will find. Leave your heart out on the line. Seek and you will find, and let Him fill the void inside. He’s hope everlasting and love never ending.” - Carrollton

“Content to fill a little space if Thou be glorified.” -Anna Waring

There is SO much work to do for the kingdom of God right in front of you - open your eyes to the people in front of you, and see how much love you can give! And as we freely give what we have received - He rewards us.

-Angela

If this post was a blessing to you, please leave Angela an encouraging word in the comments!