How to know if you're sinning sexually - how far is too far, etc

Sometimes it’s obvious to us that we’ve messed up in the area of sexual purity. But sometimes, it seems a little more gray, and we’re not sure if our actions are sinful or not. This leads to questions such as: 

“How far is too far with my boyfriend?”

“Is it wrong to self-pleasure?” 

“Is it wrong to read books or watch movies with sexual content?” 

"Is this thought/imagination actually wrong or just an innocent day dream?"

As much as we’d love a neat little list of do’s and dont's, God didn’t give one to us. But that’s okay, because He did write down the principles we need in order to walk in purity. Our enemy is subtle and deceitful. He likes it when we’re in a place of confusion and shame. It’s time to let the Bible dispel the darkness around this topic and ask the Holy Spirit to lead you into all truth!  

The Bible says that we are to flee fornication. I used to think that word meant “sex outside of marriage,” but a look in the dictionary proved me wrong: 

Fornication: the incontinence or lewdness of unmarried persons.

So from this definition we see that fornication is a sin that only unmarried people can commit... but what in the world does the rest of that definition mean?! Let’s look at it: 

Incontinence: Want of restraint of the sexual appetite; free or illegal indulgence of lust:

Lewdness: The unlawful indulgence of lust; fornication, or adultery.

Fornication isn’t just having sex with someone before you’re married. It’s much deeper than that. It is indulging in and not restraining one’s sexual appetite or lust as an unmarried person. When I learned the real definition of this word, it simplified a lot for me. We know that sexual activities are only for married people. Singles are not to act on their sexual urges or appetites, but to “be holy in body and in spirit.” So to know if we’re crossing a line somewhere and sinning, we really only have to ask a couple of questions:  

1. When I do this thing, am I indulging in my sexual appetite?

2. When I do this thing, am I restraining my sexual appetite (and lusts/desires) or feeding it?

   
   

I believe God didn't give us a list of specific "allowed" and "not allowed" activities because each person may have a different threshold or appetite - what feeds the lust of one woman may not affect another woman at all.

At one point in time I had to cut out the most innocent of romantic content from my life - even the ones considered clean and safe by Christians, like "When Calls the Heart" and "Pride and Prejudice." For me at that time, watching them fed my sexual desires and appetite. But a few years later, I could watch them again without a problem. The moral of this story is this: each person needs to be aware of how each thought, action, form of entertainment, etc., is affecting them spiritually and physically. You may not be tempted by a kiss or a touch, but it might be too much for your boyfriend. Your friend may be able to watch a romantic show or read romantic books every day of her life without a problem, but you know that if you were to do that, you would be indulging unlawfully in your sexual appetite.

God tells us not to mess around with fornication. He tells us to flee it. To run as fast and as far away from it as we can, as if running from extreme danger, like a raging bear ready to devour us. But too often we treat it more like an innocent kitten - letting it curl up on our bed and ask for pets.  “Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18)

Sister, be like Joseph. When the temptation to indulge in your sexual appetite comes, run and don’t even think about what you’re leaving behind. It’s not worth the heartache it will cause down the road.

“For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:” (1 Thessalonians 4:3)

P.S If you're ready to walk in victory over sexual sin once and for all, my course will give you the tools to be able to do so! In it I share my own personal struggles and how the Lord brought me out of them once and for all - and I'll teach you to do the same. Check out the course.