Do you come across as a respectful woman to the men in your life?

There are two types of women in this world: those who are a crown to their husbands, and those who are a whip to them. And regardless of whether you’re married or not, you already have a tendency to be one or the other to the men (or man) in your life. 

Crowns are encouragers. They look for the good, and they praise it. 

Whips are criticizers. They focus on imperfections, and they call them out either explicitly or implicitly.

Let’s say you are mini-golfing with a mixed group from church. You all decide to carpool, and Joe offers his car. Everyone piles in, Joe picks a route to the venue on Apple Maps and starts driving. But you were also looking on your maps, and feel that he could have taken a better, quicker route. You even feel that it might be your duty to tell him, since your route will save time and gas, and the group is on a time crunch to make it to a movie after golfing. How you react in this situation will tell the guys in the car whether you have crown or whip tendencies. 

A crown wants the man to know and feel that she respects his decisions and that she believes he is smart and capable of leading (in this case, leading the group to the event). She wants him to know that she really appreciates his leadership in volunteering to drive, and his decisiveness in picking a route and going for it. She doesn’t want to put him down, make him feel that she doesn’t trust him, thinks him incapable, or that she disapproves and doesn’t respect his decisions. So she first weighs in her mind whether it even matters that much which route they take, and whether it’s worth mentioning at all. 

She knows it would be better to waste a little time and gas, but have the man in the driver seat respect her and want to be around her, than to save a little time and money and lose his respect (and the respect of every other man in the car). Finally, on account of the time crunch, she decides it’s worth it to say something. So she quickly thinks of the most tactful and sweet way she could word it. “Hey Joe, I really appreciate you driving us all to mini golf! Hey I had it pulled up on my maps and it looks like if you turn left up here, there’s a quicker route? You probably already saw that, but just thought I’d mention it in case it’s helpful.” :)

Her tone is one of humility, sweetness, and helpfulness. The crown thinks deeply about how her words and tone will come across. She takes great care to make sure he feels treated with respect, just as she would want a man to take great care with how he treats her. Because of her spirit and approach, Joe feels respected as a leader rather than threatened as one. Because she was endeavoring to be helpful instead of right, he actually appreciates her input, takes her advice, and thinks to himself that he wants to get know that girl better.

The woman with whip tendencies doesn’t stop to think about how her words and tone will affect her victim. Armed with a sense of superiority, she simply blurts out something that makes him feel mothered, distrusted and threatened: “Joe, why’d you take the long route?? (She laughs at his stupidity and gives a ‘what is up with this guy?’ look to her friend.) Turn left up here so we can get there faster!” Joe still believes his route will work just fine, but she is insistent, nagging him until he gives in to her preference. Now in front of the whole group, through not only her words but her attitude, she’s made it clear that she has little respect for him. More than that, in front of the whole group, she’s questioned his ability to lead and to make decisions - two core masculine traits that a man needs to know he is capable of.

Joe feels attacked. And you can imagine what this makes him feel toward her... Like he’d be happy never to be mini golfing with her ever again.

A woman who is a crown treats good men with respect, even if she feels the guy made a mistake, does something differently than she would, or acted in a way that she wouldn’t. Whips don’t communicate respect. Their opinion of themselves is too high to leave room for respect of men who make mistakes, make different decisions than they would make, or enjoy activities that they see as beneath them.

Crowns appreciate good men: what they’re capable of, their masculinity, their good traits, the ways they serve and lead, the ways they think and the things they do that make them unique. And they want the men around them to know that they are appreciated for those things. Whips are too busy seeing all the areas a good man doesn’t measure up to appreciate him. Or, they’re so full of how right and knowledgeable and superior they are that they can’t appreciate what a good man offers. When a man brings her flowers, all she notices are that they’re the wrong kind. When a man takes leadership, all she sees is that he’s “doing it wrong.” 

Do the guys in your life see you as a whip or a  crown? How would the guys in your young adult’s group, your coworkers or your brothers perceive you? Now is the time to do some soul searching and observe yourself in social interactions. If you find that you have more whip than crown tendencies, that could absolutely be keeping the good men you encounter from seeing you as marriage material. What you need is a heart change. Ask the Lord to give you the heart that He wants you to have toward the men He created. Ask Him to bear in you the fruits of the Spirit that a crown would display. Ask Him to open your eyes to how you come across to men. And when He convicts you of an area that needs to change, simply trust and obey.

Would the men in your life describe you as someone who respects, appreciates, uplifts and encourages them? Or would they describe you as someone negative and unpleasant for them to be around because you’re constantly making jokes of their mistakes, correcting them, or treating them like boys? It's not too late to become a gracious woman.

A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4

A gracious woman retaineth honour: Proverbs 11:6

P.S. One of the best ways you can pursue marriage is by learning about men and how to interact with them. If you're ready to dive deeper into this topic, you need to check out my course!